Finding Yourself After a Breakup

Breaking up is hard to do.  So, what do you do once it’s over?

Maybe a bit rejected or angry or hurt…whatever the emotion, it’s usually overwhelming and you feel like you’re the only one going through this much pain.  Maybe this relationship wasn’t good for you. Maybe you got lost in it and you don’t really know which way is up anymore.

Ugh. Single again you think. What’s wrong with me?

Nothing! I want to share some of my breakup experiences and what I think is a great way to take advantage of this alone time and really enjoy it instead of just waiting until the next guy/girl comes along.

Step 1: Feel the love

I have a challenge for you. It came as an idea after one of my breakups (and there were many by the way).  Follow me down this train of thought for a minute and see if this doesn’t change your outlook.

Imagine everyone on this planet…of all those people that you haven’t met, I’m sure that millions, if not thousands of them would love to date you and of those million or thousands of people hundreds of them would inevitably fall in love with you (I mean c’mon, look at you!).  Feel that love for a moment. Just because it isn’t your reality at the moment doesn’t mean that you are somehow unlovable or defective. It just means that right now, you are still learning. Learning who you are, who you are meant to be with and what works for you.

Your challenge is to live with this new reality of being completely loved and adored by hundreds of people all around the world that you simply have not met… yet.

Believe that in your bones and see how your reality shifts.

It was a huge shift in perspective and it got me to stop crying all day and night and smile again, knowing that I am loved. Period.  Single or not.

Step 2: Find what makes you happy

This time of singlehood is a wonderful time. It’s the time and space you need in order to figure out what makes you happy.  Let me ask you this: what would your perfect day look like if you were to spend it with yourself? What would you do? Would you start by sleeping in, reading the paper in bed with a coffee on your nightstand? Would you head out for a jog first thing? Or go to a yoga class or retreat? What passions might you have within you that you haven’t discovered yet? Have you always been attracted to a certain instrument or line of work or a place? Research and follow your heartbecause that is where your happiness lies. Not with another person but by getting to know and love and honor yourself. Once you do that, the partner just shows up.

It doesn’t have to be drastic. Maybe you love to have fresh flowers in your home. Maybe you love to write a blog, walk your dog or learn a new language. Maybe you love to binge watch your favorite show (No judgement here!).

Just figure out what you love and then sprinkle it on top of your day and see how it makes you feel.

For me it was salsa dancing…I love to salsa and I am not a Latina in the slightest. I’ve been told that I look like a school teacher and I am also the whitest person I know. Hardly the saucy type!  But as soon as I stepped foot on that dance floor I was the happiest kid on earth. Sure I was a mess, stepping on toes and going off beat but over the last 7 years I have become a bit of a pro (in my mind) and I still enjoy it just the same. For me, it’s the music and the letting go that is so good for my soul. You can’t be in control when you’re dancing, you just have to go with the flow and let your partner lead you. This was a constant lesson for me. For the first 3 years my partner would always say “just relax”!!! It took some time but now I can relax and dance at the same time and I found something that feeds me and makes me super happy.

Step 3: Do something that scares you

Singlehood is a time to do things that may scare you but that you are attracted to doing and would be good for you. For me it was rollerblading. Sure, I shouldn’t be scared of that since I figure skated for 16 years but I was terrified of going out alone and of falling on pavement. The day I went out on my own was scary yes, but also really liberating because I didn’t need a man to hold my hand and plan the day and to make sure I was ok. I was okay on my own and I felt so proud of myself.

Step 4: Relish your alone time

It’s the little things, isn’t it? It’s the going to the restaurant alone or the movies alone, but once you realize that no one really cares if you’re alone as long as you’re happy alone, all the fear will melt from you. You won’t feel like a spotlight is over your head as you sit there eating for one. You’ll be wrapped up in your own world and loving the freedom and comfort of your own company.

To singlehood! It is a great learning experience and a time that you may not ever have again once you’re in a relationship and later on possibly with kids so relish your time alone, your sleep ins, your “ what do I want to do now?” moments because they are short lived. And to develop this skill of listening to yourself, your needs and wants in order to build a stable foundation for the future “relationship you” is so crucial.

In the end, relationship or not you have to continually listen to yourself and what you want and what makes you happy. It’s a skill you will need for the rest of your life. We can’t put our happiness on another person, we need to take responsibility for it. Start now and reap the rewards.