Breaking Up is Hard on Your Heart…Literally

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When I found out I had fallen in love with a fictitious person over the internet, I was heartbroken and a little humiliated. I started to go back and re-trace my steps. How had I fallen for this scam and was I completely nuts to care for a complete stranger?

It’s not surprising that once we’ve been hurt, we (and our brain) don’t want to feel that pain ever again. Even mentioning a memory can trigger us to feel those painful emotions all over again. So what do we do? We put up a wall around our hearts to protect us from the hurt.

What is a Heart Wall?

A heart wall is just a layer of energy around your heart that was created by all those trapped emotions of rejection, pain and loss. This heart wall serves as a barrier around your heart that acts as a protector against future pain. Although intended as a protective mechanism, it actually isn’t protecting us at all.

The interesting thing I’ve noticed is that when we are hurt we not only close ourselves off from the “bad stuff” but we also block ourselves from receiving all the good feelings as well, like love and appreciation. We lock our heart down so that we don’t feel pain but that blocks us from feeling love too. It’s a two way street.

Why Are We Blocking Ourselves from Love?

So, why do we block ourselves from love when that is the very thing we crave most after a breakup?

It’s our brains’ fault! Our brain wants us to avoid pain and move toward pleasure. Did you know the parts of our brain that process pain light up after a breakup?

“The brain studies show us that romantic rejection hurts just like physical pain, and it is like cocaine addiction.”

So here we are addicted to love and in fear of actual physical pain! No wonder we shut down!

The ironic part is that being in a committed relationship, specifically a marriage, protects our hearts. A Harvard Health article refers to the Framingham Offspring Study where “married men had a 46% lower rate of death than unmarried men”.

Experiences like the one I just went through can make people less open to trusting others but it’s not in our best interest to hide away from the world if it keeps men alive longer.

But what about women? Does being in a happy marriage protect our hearts too?

According to a study by the Journal Heart, it does. The risk of (dying of a heart attack) was significantly higher (42%) among those who had never married.

It looks like being in a happy marriage is protective to our hearts. Not only that, heartbreak can make us shut down our heart connection when we need its guidance most. Our heart is the connection to the other side, to our intuitive, unconscious or bigger self. It holds so much wisdom and comes in handy all day long for those of us who listen. If we shut down because of a heart wall, what are we listening to now? Not our guidance, not ourselves but our fear and pain and who knows where that will lead us?

What are we editing in our experience so that we don’t have to deal with pain from our past?

Like a snowball rolling downhill, our pain only gets bigger and bigger the more we ignore or sweep it into the background.

In order to release it, we need to let go of the past beliefs and actually do the work of our unconditional loving selves to bring back balance.

I’ve seen countless strong yet heartbroken individuals in my practice as a Trame Vibrational Therapist. People are trying to get out of situations where they feel emotionally handcuffed and stuck. After each session we see progress in terms of getting more clarity about a path out and a greater ability to handle stressful situations in a way that honors who they are and what they really want.

Perhaps asking ourselves how we want to feel is a good place to find inspiration to go down that sometimes bumpy road of healing.

I invite you to share your experience or ask questions in the comments. You can find us on Facebook, Instagram and join our newsletter for health inspirations and tips. My YouTube Channel is also an amazing place to connect and learn.

To our health & wellbeing,

Madeleine

References:
Busch, L. Y., Pössel, P., & Valentine, J. C. (2017). Meta-analyses of cardiovascular reactivity to rumination: A possible mechanism linking depression and hostility to cardiovascular disease. Psychological Bulletin, 143(12), 1378-1394.
https://theanatomyoflove.com/the-results/the-rejected-brain/

Good Grief

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Every sad, tragic thing that’s ever happened to you has had the opportunity to shape you more into who you are… or conversely has led you to forget who you are more and more until you don’t recognize yourself anymore.

As beautiful as life is, it can be utterly impossible at times. You’re humming along and bam!  Life throws you something you never expected and it changes the way you look at things completely. Sometimes for the better and sometimes not.

You try to hang on to your beliefs but with all the shock and awe it’s getting harder and harder to do this.

For me, it was the doctors. The big time, big hospital doctors that told me over and over again to give up on my daughter because there was no hope. I knew better so I fought them. I disagreed. The more I fought, the harder they argued and in the end, I succumbed. I literally fell to the floor. My legs just gave out. It was a huge loss. It was a loss of my trust in the universe. My hope that all things work themselves out for the best and that I was always protected and cared for.

If that was the case, how could this be happening? What am I supposed to learn from this?

The more tragic the situation, more important the lesson.

What if the situation is long over, you’ve tried to learn from it yet you’re still carrying the emotional weight of it around with you?

When I was going through the trauma of Zoe possibly passing any day I thought I was okay. I had found some relief with my daily Qi Gong practice.  After my first Trame Vibration session I got in my car and I felt so calm. Like everything inside my head and body was quiet for the first time in a long time. I started driving away and the stillness remained. I put on the radio and thought, “this is my jam!” I cranked it up and proceeded to rock out. Alone. No, this isn’t embarassing, this is monumental! I hadn’t realized I wasn’t enjoying music anymore until that moment!

This was the first change I noticed followed by many others. It made me think of all the people out there that were suffering in their state of anticipatory grief. Had Zoe passed I would have gone to therapy or talked to someone but because she survived everyone assumed I was okay.

How many of us are caring for a sick or dying parent, caring for a child with an unknown disability or grieving a loss that hasn’t come?

I am still baffled that I needed help and I didn’t know it. My Trame treatment helped me start to see things differently. As Dr.Wayne Dyer wrote: “Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change” but how do you do that when your emotions are overwhelming?

There are many ways up the mountain and what works for me or you may not be suitable for someone else but it’s worth opening our eyes to see that we can feel good again. Despite all that’s happened you can find your joy, find the little things that make you smile and eventually with enough momentum going in the direction of appreciation  that inner smile turns into an outer one on your face.

All of a sudden more choices are all spread out in front of you and you are in awe of the progress you’ve made. Synchronicities show up.  Some days will suck. Some days will not but you keep getting up every morning and asking yourself what makes me happy? What will tickle you in this moment? Follow that innate wisdom inside of you and let what feels good be your guide.

Let’s make each moment sweet again for you and see how your world fills up with joy.

Lots of love,

Madeleine